Saturday June 20

Sometimes, we try to reach for the appropriate analogy to use when talking about this situation with John. My favorite one lately is that this is more like an Ironman Triathlon than a hundred yard dash. I personally have not participated in a full triathlon but I can tell you that my feelings of wanting to complete a marathon at 40 years of age have subsided! We are past the initial sensation of waiting on the edge of our seats to rush out of the house for some emergency event but at the same time, we don't rest easy and times of actually feeling that sense of being able to take a deep breath or relax are rare. I am not sure that any words are appropriate to express the constant anguish, worry and downright frustration we feel at times. I must say that these plateaus are difficult on everyone and particularly Holly. She maintains a positive and faithful attitude and a love for John that is absolutely unparallelled. Obviously, this situation is not one that statistically any of us accessing this blog will ever realize with our spouse, but it has become our reality. We grapple with the meaning of this and cannot understand why such a great guy must go through this but at the same time, we are concentrated on his care and while he might not be quite as responsive as we would like, will maintain the constant vigil and really appreciate all of the kindness and words of support in all forms we receive on a daily basis.

John had dialysis today and the physicians would like to move his port for this procedure soon. Their feeling is that he might receive more effective treatment if this line was new. The port line that is currently being used is one that he has had since his hospital stay. We know that with his kidneys are not functioning properly, and because of this, his responses might be cloudy and we want to give him every chance to remove any residual toxicity in his blood.

I have to tell you about something great that happened during this process. Unbeknownst to us, John had rented a house in Galveston to celebrate Holly's (and mine because we are twins) 40th birthday in early July. By the way, Holly is 3 minutes older than me! He only told those on the periphery about this rental and it was quite a trick to figure out where the house was and it was absolutely the most thoughtful thing ever. I really hope that at some point we will take that trip to Galveston and John and I will fish and fry up the catch later but I still smile when I think about the level of thoughtfulness and love that John gave when he planned our special weekend. There have been so many times over the years when John has done things for us and I hope that he hears us when we talk and let him know that it is our turn to do for him. We are here to facilitate his 40th birthday on November 13 and I think we might just try to rent that same beach house. I would love the opportunity to feel the sand between our toes and the smell of the salty air together.