Monday June15

As it turns out, they were unable to place the PEG tube today because John's potassium levels were too high for anesthesia. He has been rescheduled for tomorrow but we aren't sure what time yet. He had dialysis again today as his creatinine levels remain high. Creatinine is the end product of creatine being metabolized and then eliminated from the body through urination. His kidneys are working but they simply cannot filter enough of the toxins to keep him from requiring some assistance. At this point, he has been having dialysis every other day but at some point he may start needing it more often or less often depending on how his kidneys do.

A lot of people have asked how Holly is doing and I feel that it is important to write something about it in this blog. She spends most of the day focused on getting up for the next visiting time which is on the odd hours starting at 9am and ending at 8:30pm and she then tries to go home and get some rest. She is so strong so much of the time but she does have moments when she is tired or when the days have been particularly stressful and long and she is simply unable to push out the profound feelings of grief and sadness. There are many losses in this situation and the biggest of these is the loss of her "normal life". She and John enjoyed coming home and cooking dinner together or going out with friends as most of us do. She also misses John...although he is here with us, it isn't the same as being able to talk to your spouse after a long day or simply enjoy a night of television and a good meal together and nothing replaces the emptiness of going home to the house they shared up until 2 weeks ago. They have not been separated this long the entire time they have been together and the dogs haven't been apart from John this long ever. Today was the perfect example of her pragmatic attitude and amazing strength and grace (and I'm not just saying that because she is my sister!). She was in the lobby of the hospital and having a down moment in which she was crying and sort of sitting in the fetal position trying to regain her composure and she was thinking and praying about what a cruel, situation this is. She pulled herself together and looked up and there was a mother with her son who looked to be about 4 and he had an IV and other tubes attached to him and he looked right at her and waved and said, "Hi", with a huge smile. For some reason, this random incident made her feel better and she realized on some level that this little boy was the link at that split second to her being able to be strong once again and realize the comparative and symbiotic relationship between John and this little boy. We have all found something small or some sign directly from John to be strong, and be patient, and just be. Sometimes it seems surreal and we question ourselves but there are far too many coincidences and signs to ignore. I make sure to let Holly and John know when I receive emails and she has a tremendous amount of support from family, friends and co-workers.

It could be that our prayers are being answered every day and we just have to notice or it could be that these small, sometimes isolated incidents are purposefully happening to remind us that we are not given that which we cannot handle. John seems to be a bit more alert and awake more often as the days pass. Lots of people who saw him in the first few days would be amazed to see him now. His eyes are open more and he seems interested in our voices. He is still unable to respond to verbal direction such as squeezing fingers, etc. but we are encouraged by his seemingly immediate reaction to Holly and other family members. In the next few days, we expect that he will be moved to an LTAC facility and are narrowing down the choices. When he is moved, he will still be in an ICU-style environment for the first few days or so and I will continue to update this blog daily or more frequently as necessary. I should also note that the LTAC facilities we are leaning toward are fantastic and even allow pups to visit once he is in a regular room. There is nothing like dog love and I am quite sure they will be ecstatic to see him!