June 2, 2010...one year later

It is almost hard to believe but as I type this it's been exactly a year since John had a heart attack inexorably changing his life and the lives of those who know and love him forever. In some respects, this 365 days has dragged by without knowing much of what might happen next, and at other times it seems like it has simply been a snippet in time. While it is easy to feel that you are the center of the universe when things are bad, this situation has shown us all that nothing is further from the truth. We are all on rafts floating in God's ocean and although we might think we know where we will end up when we get to shore, it's always a few inches or in this case, a few feet from what we might have expected.

This time last year, John was finishing up his last few days of school and making plans for lots of fishing and golf. He was also scheduled to go see his doctor for a stress test and physical which might have caught this tiny clot in his bloodstream but he didn't make it to that appointment. While running a quick errand, he collapsed in a busy parking lot and everything from then on changed for John...and for us.

For the first several weeks, we waited anxiously to see whether John would even survive and lo and behold, he started showing progress. First opening his eyes then blinking his eyes once for yes and two for no and then talking. He progressed so much in those first few months that we had no doubt that he might be able to get back to where he was pre-heart attack.

Over these last few months, John has endured surgeries, medication changes, and environmental changes. He has done so with grace and strength. Although his memory (particularly his short term memory) remains sketchy at times, what hasn't wavered is the fact that he rarely fails to tell those close to him that he loves them. Maybe we don't have the same John as before, but this is our John too. His progress undulates and it is easy to get discouraged however the one thing we steadfastly hold onto is what we were told in the beginning which is that it takes approximately two years to evaluate how much people with a brain injury will improve. He has had setbacks with the surgeries and the onset of dystonia but to sit back and really think about all that has happened in the past year and not feel gratitude on all levels would make us negligent and would cheapen all the progress John has made.

Our lives have changed. Maybe it's the fear of becoming incapacitated or unable to do tell those close to us how we feel or maybe it's a shift in our life paradigm as a result of this situation. As we search for the meaning or gift we are supposed to see in all of this, I can tell you that maybe the greatest thing I have learned is the utmost appreciation for each day. I strive to not take even the littlest of things for granted and I am grateful for those who love me. We have been shown who our friends are and who our focus should be on. We have mended family strains and pulled together as a team. We have cared for John in a way that a lot of families would be unable and we have been blessed with a huge outpouring of love and support from all of you. While I miss my brother in law as he was, I embrace him how he is and wish that for everyone who loves him.